Hello Depression, my old friend. It’s been a little while. I know you’re here…I can feel the weight of you on my chest. You’ve been hiding in the shadows waiting for your moment, well, you’ve found it. As I lay here with tears streaming down my cheeks, you caress my mind with your darkness. It winds around me like a Boa would its prey. You paralyze me in fear and I can hear your whispers. There is no escape, no place to hide where you won’t find me.
The pain has me curling into the fetal position. It feels embedded into my bones and I cannot make myself small enough. Sadness rolls over me in waves, I can barely keep my head above it. No one can hear my calls. Should I just let go? Should I allow the darkness to take me? Fuck, it would be so much easier.
You can’t have me this time. I won’t let you win. We may be in the midst of the battle, but you have not won. I haven’t given in, but I want too. Everyday I want too.
Anyone who struggles with any kind of mental illness knows this debilitating feeling. Sometimes, it’s even triggering to read through what another human goes through. That inner voice whispering lies into the mind until one day, it’s just too much. And we break. For me, breaking looked like being diagnosed with Panic Disorder. The attacks would not let up. The first one I thought, well, this is it…bye cruel, cruel world, but here I am. Writing to a bunch of strangers in hopes that my words will comfort one of you.
Even as I write this, I can feel my heart quicken and that familiar pressure in my chest is coming back. It’s okay, I think to myself, just write through it. And then I pray…more of pleading with God, “please, please, please help me through this. You are good in this.” Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I just don’t see where He is or why He would want to cast His light into my darkness after I have been quiet for so long.
If I’m being honest, I haven’t actively pursued Jesus in a while. I don’t know why. I don’t have much of an excuse, except to say that following the world is easier and harder at the same time I suppose.
I’m going to sign off with one last thought from my rambling mind…Jesus is just waiting for us to reach our hands back to Him. In the midst of these struggles, He is still the way, the truth, and the light. Even if that light is just a speck or there is no light at all right now. Just know that He is there, in the darkness, walking the path with you. As alone as we can all feel. Remember, we are never really alone.