Depression and Jesus

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Hello Depression, my old friend. It’s been a little while. I know you’re here…I can feel the weight of you on my chest. You’ve been hiding in the shadows waiting for your moment, well, you’ve found it. As I lay here with tears streaming down my cheeks, you caress my mind with your darkness. It winds around me like a Boa would its prey. You paralyze me in fear and I can hear your whispers. There is no escape, no place to hide where you won’t find me.

The pain has me curling into the fetal position. It feels embedded into my bones and I cannot make myself small enough. Sadness rolls over me in waves, I can barely keep my head above it. No one can hear my calls. Should I just let go? Should I allow the darkness to take me? Fuck, it would be so much easier.

You can’t have me this time. I won’t let you win. We may be in the midst of the battle, but you have not won. I haven’t given in, but I want too. Everyday I want too.

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Anyone who struggles with any kind of mental illness knows this debilitating feeling. Sometimes, it’s even triggering to read through what another human goes through. That inner voice whispering lies into the mind until one day, it’s just too much. And we break. For me, breaking looked like being diagnosed with Panic Disorder. The attacks would not let up. The first one I thought, well, this is it…bye cruel, cruel world, but here I am. Writing to a bunch of strangers in hopes that my words will comfort one of you.

Even as I write this, I can feel my heart quicken and that familiar pressure in my chest is coming back. It’s okay, I think to myself, just write through it. And then I pray…more of pleading with God, “please, please, please help me through this. You are good in this.” Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I just don’t see where He is or why He would want to cast His light into my darkness after I have been quiet for so long.

If I’m being honest, I haven’t actively pursued Jesus in a while. I don’t know why. I don’t have much of an excuse, except to say that following the world is easier and harder at the same time I suppose.

I’m going to sign off with one last thought from my rambling mind…Jesus is just waiting for us to reach our hands back to Him. In the midst of these struggles, He is still the way, the truth, and the light. Even if that light is just a speck or there is no light at all right now. Just know that He is there, in the darkness, walking the path with you. As alone as we can all feel. Remember, we are never really alone.

Blessings,

T

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The Pup & Me

IMG_0545My pup will be 8 this next June. I can’t believe that it’s been that long…it seems like only yesterday that I was pacing the floor in anticipation for her to arrive. I remember my eyes immediately filling with tears as I watched my coworker pull up into the driveway and get out with this tiny, brown haired ball of fur. He handed her to me and I snuggled her small body as she tucked her tiny face into my neck. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I whispered to her that she was going to be my most favorite adventure.

I’m telling you this story because she’s getting older. She’s not moving as fast as her spunky younger self. She was a bullet and I was not the only one to notice over the years. I’m telling you this because there will come a day when I won’t feel the pressure of her nose on my shoulder, demanding that I pull the blankets up so she can burrow her little body next to mine. There will be a day when she doesn’t greet me at the door with her favorite stuffed bone. She grabs it every time someone she loves walks through the door. It’s a tell that she loves you if she wants to share her bone with you.

But!! My very favorite part over the years is her nightly routine when entering my room. She makes her dramatic entrance by nosing her way in through my creaking door. (There’s no need. The door is open wide enough for her to get by, but she does like to make an entrance). Her little footsteps as she rounds my bed and her giant leap onto my bed. She walks to the wall and positions her body against the wall and myself. She noses my shoulder for me to lift up the blanket so she can crawl in to circle for the perfect spot. If she can’t find it, she will get out of the blankets and the whole thing starts over. The leap, the nose nudging, and the circling. Eventually, she throws her body against my side and onto the mattress where she is now permanently glued. Zeus himself could not move my dog from her new residence.

Good luck finding any leg room now, I think to myself. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Excerpt 1

She sat in her seat at her regular bar. It was a long week and she needed a drink. Her weary eyes watch as the night unfolds, and she sips her whisky; it tasted like loneliness. A tailored suit walked up to the bar. He flashed her an expensive smile and slid onto the stool next to hers. She leaned over and hated herself for smiling beneath drunk eyes. He cocked an eyebrow and smirked. She pictured herself getting up and leaving, but who was she kidding. She nods toward the bartender in that, I’ll-pay-my-tab-tomorrow, type of way, and finished her beer.

She wrote her address on a napkin, slid it down the bar and walked away. Another night of meaningless sex had her eyes filling with tears. She blinked hard as she convinced herself that this will fill the emptiness in her soul. Deep down, she knows she’s wrong.

Excerpt 2

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Still half asleep and hazy eyed from the night before, she rolled over trying to talk her hangover down. Her nose nearly hit a face she barely recognized and a name that probably rhymed with regret, which she began to feel as she flashed back to the hours prior…”pushing the napkin with her address on it across the bar and walking out.”

“Well, fuck,” she mumbled. When did one night stands become sleepovers.

She rolled back over and let her feet dangle off the bed. Dizzy, she took her time standing up and felt the crunch of a wrapper under her foot. Safe sex. “High five to you drunk self,” she thought sarcastically.

-me

To the Night

nightmares. they twist and tear around me like a tornado. picking up speed as i lose sleep. fighting against my fear. there can be only one winner and tonight; that’s not me. my defenses lose their muster and the past creeps slyly passed my guard. there’s nothing i can do now. they have me in their grasp. i should feel more at home with fear and anxiety. i know their faces well…for they have been my most constant companions.

Writers & Love

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I don’t think you need to be in love to write.

But you had to have been once.

~Lang Leav

I hesitate to call myself a writer. More one with rambling thoughts and run on sentences, who wishes to be a writer. I take my emotions and find words for them in the most honest way that I can. So, if I have loved someone in any way you can be sure they will spill out onto these pages.

Isn’t that what writing is? Feelings made into words.

If a poet falls in love with you,

you will live forever.

~Atticus

Unrequited

*Music Mood: 11 Blocks-Warbel

“I like reading your blog” she said

“You do? What do you like about it?”

“Knowing what you think. I was always in love with your thoughts.”

I miss you in the stillness; when it’s quiet. That’s when memories of you interrupt my rambling mind. For a moment, I allow myself to remember you, but only a moment. Any longer causes my heart to crack in places that took too long to heal. I start to remember how it felt for my soul to be known or how easily your hand found mine.

Graduation Letter

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A letter  from my cousin. Written out in my senior year book. It touches my heart to this day. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a cousin like her.

I was thinkin a minute ago and I realized how stupid the human race is. Because no matter how hard I looked, I could not find ONE fitting ‘cousin quote.’ There are thousands of friendship, sister, brother, mother-daughter, gay lover quotes, but is there even one cousin one that’d mean anything about us? No. But maybe that just shows how special you and I are together. Because no else in the world is as lucky as I am to have a relationship just like ours, because another one like it doesn’t exist. If there were to be one, there’d have to be someone like you in it. And, too bad for the rest of the universe, there is no one like you. No one else would be able to deal with my crying and non-stop blabber. My late-night chats when I just need to talk…even overtaking your bed cause I’d rather sleep with you in your bed than alone. No one else would really sleep on the trampoline with me in the beginning of April, or tell me the honest-truth even if I did get pissed, but even more when I realized I was wrong. Again. But you did. And because you’ve always been the closest to me, I’m confident in knowing you always will. No matter where you are, what you’re doing or how you’re feeling, I know you’d drop it all to hug me, cry with me, yell at me, make me a quesadilla, or give me a reality check. And you know I’ll always try. But being as conceited and selfish as I am…;)  I’d say I’ll miss you, but luckily I don’t have to. Cause nothing could tear us apart. I love you, you know more about me than anymore. So you can always fix anything. You can DO anything, too. Do not give it to anything. Ever. You know you better than anyone. Don’t forget. And you should always trust in the beginning to give someone a chance, and always love everyone. That’s how you live each day to it’s fullest and now everyday is a good day to die. Promise. C*3