The Pup & Me

IMG_0545My pup will be 8 this next June. I can’t believe that it’s been that long…it seems like only yesterday that I was pacing the floor in anticipation for her to arrive. I remember my eyes immediately filling with tears as I watched my coworker pull up into the driveway and get out with this tiny, brown haired ball of fur. He handed her to me and I snuggled her small body as she tucked her tiny face into my neck. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I whispered to her that she was going to be my most favorite adventure.

I’m telling you this story because she’s getting older. She’s not moving as fast as her spunky younger self. She was a bullet and I was not the only one to notice over the years. I’m telling you this because there will come a day when I won’t feel the pressure of her nose on my shoulder, demanding that I pull the blankets up so she can burrow her little body next to mine. There will be a day when she doesn’t greet me at the door with her favorite stuffed bone. She grabs it every time someone she loves walks through the door. It’s a tell that she loves you if she wants to share her bone with you.

But!! My very favorite part over the years is her nightly routine when entering my room. She makes her dramatic entrance by nosing her way in through my creaking door. (There’s no need. The door is open wide enough for her to get by, but she does like to make an entrance). Her little footsteps as she rounds my bed and her giant leap onto my bed. She walks to the wall and positions her body against the wall and myself. She noses my shoulder for me to lift up the blanket so she can crawl in to circle for the perfect spot. If she can’t find it, she will get out of the blankets and the whole thing starts over. The leap, the nose nudging, and the circling. Eventually, she throws her body against my side and onto the mattress where she is now permanently glued. Zeus himself could not move my dog from her new residence.

Good luck finding any leg room now, I think to myself. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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The One with the Song

There’s that song again. The one I always skip when it comes on. You think you know the song, but it’s not the one you’re thinking of. It’s “Music for Love” you remember that one? Mario sings it. Yeah, I don’t listen to it. The beginning flashes me to an appropriately  locked memory. It was one seemingly insignificant moment when pooled with the rest of the time. I was straightening my hair when the song came on and that’s when I heard you. You began to sing and if I remember correctly, it was such a struggle to get you to sing for me.

I moved to the bed and sat down. Just to listen. You couldn’t see me, the wall of the hotel separated us, but I could hear you. You. For the moment. My very own earth angel.

Excerpt 1

She sat in her seat at her regular bar. It was a long week and she needed a drink. Her weary eyes watch as the night unfolds, and she sips her whisky; it tasted like loneliness. A tailored suit walked up to the bar. He flashed her an expensive smile and slid onto the stool next to hers. She leaned over and hated herself for smiling beneath drunk eyes. He cocked an eyebrow and smirked. She pictured herself getting up and leaving, but who was she kidding. She nods toward the bartender in that, I’ll-pay-my-tab-tomorrow, type of way, and finished her beer.

She wrote her address on a napkin, slid it down the bar and walked away. Another night of meaningless sex had her eyes filling with tears. She blinked hard as she convinced herself that this will fill the emptiness in her soul. Deep down, she knows she’s wrong.

Excerpt 2

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Still half asleep and hazy eyed from the night before, she rolled over trying to talk her hangover down. Her nose nearly hit a face she barely recognized and a name that probably rhymed with regret, which she began to feel as she flashed back to the hours prior…”pushing the napkin with her address on it across the bar and walking out.”

“Well, fuck,” she mumbled. When did one night stands become sleepovers.

She rolled back over and let her feet dangle off the bed. Dizzy, she took her time standing up and felt the crunch of a wrapper under her foot. Safe sex. “High five to you drunk self,” she thought sarcastically.

-me

To the Night

nightmares. they twist and tear around me like a tornado. picking up speed as i lose sleep. fighting against my fear. there can be only one winner and tonight; that’s not me. my defenses lose their muster and the past creeps slyly passed my guard. there’s nothing i can do now. they have me in their grasp. i should feel more at home with fear and anxiety. i know their faces well…for they have been my most constant companions.

Writers & Love

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I don’t think you need to be in love to write.

But you had to have been once.

~Lang Leav

I hesitate to call myself a writer. More one with rambling thoughts and run on sentences, who wishes to be a writer. I take my emotions and find words for them in the most honest way that I can. So, if I have loved someone in any way you can be sure they will spill out onto these pages.

Isn’t that what writing is? Feelings made into words.

If a poet falls in love with you,

you will live forever.

~Atticus

Unrequited

*Music Mood: 11 Blocks-Warbel

“I like reading your blog” she said

“You do? What do you like about it?”

“Knowing what you think. I was always in love with your thoughts.”

I miss you in the stillness; when it’s quiet. That’s when memories of you interrupt my rambling mind. For a moment, I allow myself to remember you, but only a moment. Any longer causes my heart to crack in places that took too long to heal. I start to remember how it felt for my soul to be known or how easily your hand found mine.

Graduation Letter

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A letter  from my cousin. Written out in my senior year book. It touches my heart to this day. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a cousin like her.

I was thinkin a minute ago and I realized how stupid the human race is. Because no matter how hard I looked, I could not find ONE fitting ‘cousin quote.’ There are thousands of friendship, sister, brother, mother-daughter, gay lover quotes, but is there even one cousin one that’d mean anything about us? No. But maybe that just shows how special you and I are together. Because no else in the world is as lucky as I am to have a relationship just like ours, because another one like it doesn’t exist. If there were to be one, there’d have to be someone like you in it. And, too bad for the rest of the universe, there is no one like you. No one else would be able to deal with my crying and non-stop blabber. My late-night chats when I just need to talk…even overtaking your bed cause I’d rather sleep with you in your bed than alone. No one else would really sleep on the trampoline with me in the beginning of April, or tell me the honest-truth even if I did get pissed, but even more when I realized I was wrong. Again. But you did. And because you’ve always been the closest to me, I’m confident in knowing you always will. No matter where you are, what you’re doing or how you’re feeling, I know you’d drop it all to hug me, cry with me, yell at me, make me a quesadilla, or give me a reality check. And you know I’ll always try. But being as conceited and selfish as I am…;)  I’d say I’ll miss you, but luckily I don’t have to. Cause nothing could tear us apart. I love you, you know more about me than anymore. So you can always fix anything. You can DO anything, too. Do not give it to anything. Ever. You know you better than anyone. Don’t forget. And you should always trust in the beginning to give someone a chance, and always love everyone. That’s how you live each day to it’s fullest and now everyday is a good day to die. Promise. C*3

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And if it’s falling that you’re afraid of, we can hide from commitment and convince ourselves that we’re just friends, I’ll learn the curve of your smile and you’ll connect my freckles like constellations and we’ll pretend we aren’t falling like leaves in October.

Take a deep breath-here comes the drop. I know it’s your first time here, but soon you will get used to the motion; the headlong dive into the deep. Just go with it. You only get one chance to fall in love with your heart still whole.

People always say that it hurts at night and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken. But sometimes it’s 9am on a Tuesday morning and you’re standing at the kitchen counter waiting for the toast to pop up. And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl grey tea makes you miss her so much you don’t know what to do with your hands.

*not my words, just some late night feelings and unable to find my own words.