Excerpt

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Still half asleep and hazy eyed from the night before, she rolled over trying to talk her hangover down. Her nose nearly hit a face she barely recognized and a name she could not remember. Panic set in until she flashed back to the night before…”pushing the napkin with her address on it across the bar and walking out.”

“Well, fuck,” she mumbled. When did one night stands become sleepovers. She rolled her eyes. Men could never do anything right.

She rolled back over and let her feet dangle off the bed. Dizzy, she took her time standing up and felt the crunch of a wrapper under her foot. Safe sex. “High five to you drunk self,” she sarcastically thought to herself.

-me

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To the Night

nightmares. they twist and tear around me like a tornado. picking up speed as i lose sleep. fighting against my fear. there can be only one winner and tonight; that’s not me. my defenses lose their muster and the past creeps slyly passed my guard. there’s nothing i can do now. they have me in their grasp. i should feel more at home with fear and anxiety. i know their faces well…for they have been my most constant companions.

Writers & Love

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I don’t think you need to be in love to write.

But you had to have been once.

~Lang Leav

I hesitate to call myself a writer; more one with rambling thoughts and run on sentences, who wishes to be a writer. I take my emotions and find words for them in the most honest way that I can. So, if I have loved someone in any way, you can be sure they will spill out onto these pages.

Isn’t that what writing is? Feelings made into words.

If a poet falls in love with you,

you will live forever.

~Atticus

 

 

Unrequited

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*Music Mood: 11 Blocks-Warbel

“I like reading your blog” she said

“You do? What do you like about it?”

“Knowing what you think. I was always in love with your thoughts.”

I miss you in the stillness; when it’s quiet. That’s when memories of you interrupt my rambling mind. For a moment, I allow myself to remember you, but only a moment. Any longer causes my heart to crack in places that took too long to heal. I start to remember how it felt for my soul to be known or how easily your hand found mine.

Graduation Letter

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A letter  from my cousin. Written out in my senior year book. It touches my heart to this day. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a cousin like her.

I was thinkin a minute ago and I realized how stupid the human race is. Because no matter how hard I looked, I could not find ONE fitting ‘cousin quote.’ There are thousands of friendship, sister, brother, mother-daughter, gay lover quotes, but is there even one cousin one that’d mean anything about us? No. But maybe that just shows how special you and I are together. Because no else in the world is as lucky as I am to have a relationship just like ours, because another one like it doesn’t exist. If there were to be one, there’d have to be someone like you in it. And, too bad for the rest of the universe, there is no one like you. No one else would be able to deal with my crying and non-stop blabber. My late-night chats when I just need to talk…even overtaking your bed cause I’d rather sleep with you in your bed than alone. No one else would really sleep on the trampoline with me in the beginning of April, or tell me the honest-truth even if I did get pissed, but even more when I realized I was wrong. Again. But you did. And because you’ve always been the closest to me, I’m confident in knowing you always will. No matter where you are, what you’re doing or how you’re feeling, I know you’d drop it all to hug me, cry with me, yell at me, make me a quesadilla, or give me a reality check. And you know I’ll always try. But being as conceited and selfish as I am…;)  I’d say I’ll miss you, but luckily I don’t have to. Cause nothing could tear us apart. I love you, you know more about me than anymore. So you can always fix anything. You can DO anything, too. Do not give it to anything. Ever. You know you better than anyone. Don’t forget. And you should always trust in the beginning to give someone a chance, and always love everyone. That’s how you live each day to it’s fullest and now everyday is a good day to die. Promise. C*3

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And if it’s falling that you’re afraid of, we can hide from commitment and convince ourselves that we’re just friends, I’ll learn the curve of your smile and you’ll connect my freckles like constellations and we’ll pretend we aren’t falling like leaves in October.

Take a deep breath-here comes the drop. I know it’s your first time here, but soon you will get used to the motion; the headlong dive into the deep. Just go with it. You only get one chance to fall in love with your heart still whole.

People always say that it hurts at night and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken. But sometimes it’s 9am on a Tuesday morning and you’re standing at the kitchen counter waiting for the toast to pop up. And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl grey tea makes you miss her so much you don’t know what to do with your hands.

*not my words, just some late night feelings and unable to find my own words.

 

Every Memory

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“If this is love, I don’t want it. Take it away, please!  Why does it hurt so much?”

“Because it was real.”

-The Hobbit

Love is so many things and right now it feels like an ache that will never fully leave my heart. It’s an echo of all the memories that play through my head, it’s the projector that has no off switch. Every smile, every laugh, every sleepy hello at 2am…all these memories etch themselves further onto my heart like a brand iron. The pain is comforting and torture all wrapped into one.

I was talking with a long time friend the other day and I told her, “I still wear the ring she gave me…this all is just so hard without her.” She responded so lovingly by saying, “Because you love her. Because you found your place with her. Because you finally let yourself be you.”

I think that is all for tonight. As the quote says, “Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.” It makes it very hard to see the screen. It’s really hard to miss her and to love silently. I’m still working on the moving on process. It seems to be a lot harder than I thought. I’m told that it’s fine and I shouldn’t feel embarrassed by the time that it takes. Love really is so many things and tonight it’s sad…hopefully tomorrow holds a little less sadness.

Eventually…

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“Eventually, it will get easier…” In case anyone is unaware, that is the popular statement after a breakup. I hate it. Yes, I know that eventually my heart won’t feel like it’s been squeezed to death…eventually it won’t feel like my whole world is collapsing around me…eventually, but not now. I think after being in love with someone for any amount of time, it is well deserved to have a nice long, ugly faced cry after it ends. The story starts like this; I met a woman at a wedding and we quickly became friends. It was as if I had known her my whole life. I was completely comfortable talking with her about my life, fears, dreams and desires. Somewhere along the way we both realized that we were feeling much more than friendship for one another and then there it was; love. I remember the night I realized I was in love with her. I was sleeping and I woke up thinking about her. Something shifted in my heart and I felt like my soul was going to explode with happiness. I was in love. We had our ups and downs like any relationship, but our story was different than the rest. We had 12 hours of distance between us and no matter how frequent the visits, there was always a goodbye at the end. We eventually ended our relationship and went our separate ways. I, however, was still not over her. I continued to carry around the ring I had bought. The ring was the one she wanted. It was a beautiful silver band, with a blue heart cut stone in the middle. I was going to propose. Obviously, I didn’t…and then it really ended with a text message from her saying that we should turn the page and move on.

That is where the beginning of this entry comes into play…the eventually part. I have done the ugly cry face and woken up with puffy eyes. I’ve done the crying in the shower thing and I’ve done the I need to keep my mind busy thing. However, the sadness always catches up to me and I find myself missing her more than I ever thought I could miss one person. So, I have given into the sadness and have decided to allow it to run its course. I won’t hide the fact that my heart is broken or that I’m still in love. I will start this moving on process and see where it takes me. I think in the back of mind I will always be hoping for another chance with us and I’m kind of a sucker for fairy tales. I’m not betting on that chance, but right now, it’s a nice thought. I think if I had the chance to tell her one more thing it would be this;

“From time to time, I hope you remember to have grace for yourself. You really are as great as everyone says. Remember that people come and go, but that doesn’t mean you are easily forgotten or that you’re not important. It just means that they were too blind to see how wonderful you truly are. Remember your logic of wishing on falling leaves. That thought holds magic that you should never lose. You deserve to have someone tell you how beautiful and amazing you are everyday. I hope when you do think of me, it’s with a fondness. I would hate to be remembered badly. Lastly, please always remember that for a beautiful time we loved with a depth far beyond any distance.”