I left my heart in California,
Lost in the summer heat.
Halfway between here and there
my heart is carved on a tree,
your initials above mine.
Time has moved on as have I,
our time is locked in that moment.
try and forget…
that we were once what we both needed.
My pup will be 8 this next June. I can’t believe that it’s been that long…it seems like only yesterday that I was pacing the floor in anticipation for her to arrive. I remember my eyes immediately filling with tears as I watched my coworker pull up into the driveway and get out with this tiny, brown haired ball of fur. He handed her to me and I snuggled her small body as she tucked her tiny face into my neck. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I whispered to her that she was going to be my most favorite adventure.
I’m telling you this story because she’s getting older. She’s not moving as fast as her spunky younger self. She was a bullet and I was not the only one to notice over the years. I’m telling you this because there will come a day when I won’t feel the pressure of her nose on my shoulder, demanding that I pull the blankets up so she can burrow her little body next to mine. There will be a day when she doesn’t greet me at the door with her favorite stuffed bone. She grabs it every time someone she loves walks through the door. It’s a tell that she loves you if she wants to share her bone with you.
But!! My very favorite part over the years is her nightly routine when entering my room. She makes her dramatic entrance by nosing her way in through my creaking door. (There’s no need. The door is open wide enough for her to get by, but she does like to make an entrance). Her little footsteps as she rounds my bed and her giant leap onto my bed. She walks to the wall and positions her body against the wall and myself. She noses my shoulder for me to lift up the blanket so she can crawl in to circle for the perfect spot. If she can’t find it, she will get out of the blankets and the whole thing starts over. The leap, the nose nudging, and the circling. Eventually, she throws her body against my side and onto the mattress where she is now permanently glued. Zeus himself could not move my dog from her new residence.
Good luck finding any leg room now, I think to myself. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There’s that song again. The one I always skip when it comes on. You think you know the song, but it’s not the one you’re thinking of. It’s “Music for Love” you remember that one? Mario sings it. Yeah, I don’t listen to it. The beginning flashes me to an appropriately locked memory. It was one seemingly insignificant moment when pooled with the rest of the time. I was straightening my hair when the song came on and that’s when I heard you. You began to sing and if I remember correctly, it was such a struggle to get you to sing for me.
I moved to the bed and sat down. Just to listen. You couldn’t see me, the wall of the hotel separated us, but I could hear you. You. For the moment. My very own earth angel.
She sat in her seat at her regular bar. It was a long week and she needed a drink. Her weary eyes watch as the night unfolds, and she sips her whisky; it tasted like loneliness. A tailored suit walked up to the bar. He flashed her an expensive smile and slid onto the stool next to hers. She leaned over and hated herself for smiling beneath drunk eyes. He cocked an eyebrow and smirked. She pictured herself getting up and leaving, but who was she kidding. She nods toward the bartender in that, I’ll-pay-my-tab-tomorrow, type of way, and finished her beer.
She wrote her address on a napkin, slid it down the bar and walked away. Another night of meaningless sex had her eyes filling with tears. She blinked hard as she convinced herself that this will fill the emptiness in her soul. Deep down, she knows she’s wrong.
Still half asleep and hazy eyed from the night before, she rolled over trying to talk her hangover down. Her nose nearly hit a face she barely recognized and a name that probably rhymed with regret, which she began to feel as she flashed back to the hours prior…”pushing the napkin with her address on it across the bar and walking out.”
“Well, fuck,” she mumbled. When did one night stands become sleepovers.
She rolled back over and let her feet dangle off the bed. Dizzy, she took her time standing up and felt the crunch of a wrapper under her foot. Safe sex. “High five to you drunk self,” she thought sarcastically.
*Music Mood: 11 Blocks-Warbel
“I like reading your blog” she said
“You do? What do you like about it?”
“Knowing what you think. I was always in love with your thoughts.”
I miss you in the stillness; when it’s quiet. That’s when memories of you interrupt my rambling mind. For a moment, I allow myself to remember you, but only a moment. Any longer causes my heart to crack in places that took too long to heal. I start to remember how it felt for my soul to be known or how easily your hand found mine.
“If this is love, I don’t want it. Take it away, please! Why does it hurt so much?”
“Because it was real.”
Love is so many things and right now it feels like an ache that will never fully leave my heart. It’s an echo of all the memories that play through my head, it’s the projector that has no off switch. Every smile, every laugh, every sleepy hello at 2am…all these memories etch themselves further onto my heart like a brand iron. The pain is comforting and torture all wrapped into one.
I was talking with a long time friend the other day and I told her, “I still wear the ring she gave me…this all is just so hard without her.” She responded so lovingly by saying, “Because you love her. Because you found your place with her. Because you finally let yourself be you.”
I think that is all for tonight. As the quote says, “Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.” It makes it very hard to see the screen. It’s really hard to miss her and to love silently. I’m still working on the moving on process. It seems to be a lot harder than I thought. I’m told that it’s fine and I shouldn’t feel embarrassed by the time that it takes. Love really is so many things and tonight it’s sad…hopefully tomorrow holds a little less sadness.
“Eventually, it will get easier…” In case anyone is unaware, that is the popular statement after a breakup. I hate it. Yes, I know that eventually my heart won’t feel like it’s been squeezed to death…eventually it won’t feel like my whole world is collapsing around me…eventually, but not now. I think after being in love with someone for any amount of time, it is well deserved to have a nice long, ugly faced cry after it ends. The story starts like this; I met a woman at a wedding and we quickly became friends. It was as if I had known her my whole life. I was completely comfortable talking with her about my life, fears, dreams and desires. Somewhere along the way we both realized that we were feeling much more than friendship for one another and then there it was; love. I remember the night I realized I was in love with her. I was sleeping and I woke up thinking about her. Something shifted in my heart and I felt like my soul was going to explode with happiness. I was in love. We had our ups and downs like any relationship, but our story was different than the rest. We had 12 hours of distance between us and no matter how frequent the visits, there was always a goodbye at the end. We eventually ended our relationship and went our separate ways. I, however, was still not over her. I continued to carry around the ring I had bought. The ring was the one she wanted. It was a beautiful silver band, with a blue heart cut stone in the middle. I was going to propose. Obviously, I didn’t…and then it really ended with a text message from her saying that we should turn the page and move on.
That is where the beginning of this entry comes into play…the eventually part. I have done the ugly cry face and woken up with puffy eyes. I’ve done the crying in the shower thing and I’ve done the I need to keep my mind busy thing. However, the sadness always catches up to me and I find myself missing her more than I ever thought I could miss one person. So, I have given into the sadness and have decided to allow it to run its course. I won’t hide the fact that my heart is broken or that I’m still in love. I will start this moving on process and see where it takes me. I think in the back of mind I will always be hoping for another chance with us and I’m kind of a sucker for fairy tales. I’m not betting on that chance, but right now, it’s a nice thought. I think if I had the chance to tell her one more thing it would be this;
“From time to time, I hope you remember to have grace for yourself. You really are as great as everyone says. Remember that people come and go, but that doesn’t mean you are easily forgotten or that you’re not important. It just means that they were too blind to see how wonderful you truly are. Remember your logic of wishing on falling leaves. That thought holds magic that you should never lose. You deserve to have someone tell you how beautiful and amazing you are everyday. I hope when you do think of me, it’s with a fondness. I would hate to be remembered badly. Lastly, please always remember that for a beautiful time we loved with a depth far beyond any distance.”
I fell in love with her eyes and the way they looked deep into my soul. I fell in love with the way her hair fell over her forehead when she would lean forward to laugh. I fell in love for the way her heart broke for the world and how she would cry in silence for the heartache of strangers. Her compassion was staggering and her presence was magnetic. Her temper unbridled and broken all at once. Her touch was something from a dream..lingering as you woke. Time seemed to slow when she looked my direction. That smiled that dimmed the sun.
“The only thing
I knew is that
I was a second,
and she was eternity.
I spun in clocks and
she swirled in stars and
I did not deserve her”