“If this is love, I don’t want it. Take it away, please! Why does it hurt so much?”
“Because it was real.”
Love is so many things and right now it feels like an ache that will never fully leave my heart. It’s an echo of all the memories that play through my head, it’s the projector that has no off switch. Every smile, every laugh, every sleepy hello at 2am…all these memories etch themselves further onto my heart like a brand iron. The pain is comforting and torture all wrapped into one.
I was talking with a long time friend the other day and I told her, “I still wear the ring she gave me…this all is just so hard without her.” She responded so lovingly by saying, “Because you love her. Because you found your place with her. Because you finally let yourself be you.”
I think that is all for tonight. As the quote says, “Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.” It makes it very hard to see the screen. It’s really hard to miss her and to love silently. I’m still working on the moving on process. It seems to be a lot harder than I thought. I’m told that it’s fine and I shouldn’t feel embarrassed by the time that it takes. Love really is so many things and tonight it’s sad…hopefully tomorrow holds a little less sadness.
“Eventually, it will get easier…” In case anyone is unaware, that is the popular statement after a breakup. I hate it. Yes, I know that eventually my heart won’t feel like it’s been squeezed to death…eventually it won’t feel like my whole world is collapsing around me…eventually, but not now. I think after being in love with someone for any amount of time, it is well deserved to have a nice long, ugly faced cry after it ends. The story starts like this; I met a woman at a wedding and we quickly became friends. It was as if I had known her my whole life. I was completely comfortable talking with her about my life, fears, dreams and desires. Somewhere along the way we both realized that we were feeling much more than friendship for one another and then there it was; love. I remember the night I realized I was in love with her. I was sleeping and I woke up thinking about her. Something shifted in my heart and I felt like my soul was going to explode with happiness. I was in love. We had our ups and downs like any relationship, but our story was different than the rest. We had 12 hours of distance between us and no matter how frequent the visits, there was always a goodbye at the end. We eventually ended our relationship and went our separate ways. I, however, was still not over her. I continued to carry around the ring I had bought. The ring was the one she wanted. It was a beautiful silver band, with a blue heart cut stone in the middle. I was going to propose. Obviously, I didn’t…and then it really ended with a text message from her saying that we should turn the page and move on.
That is where the beginning of this entry comes into play…the eventually part. I have done the ugly cry face and woken up with puffy eyes. I’ve done the crying in the shower thing and I’ve done the I need to keep my mind busy thing. However, the sadness always catches up to me and I find myself missing her more than I ever thought I could miss one person. So, I have given into the sadness and have decided to allow it to run its course. I won’t hide the fact that my heart is broken or that I’m still in love. I will start this moving on process and see where it takes me. I think in the back of mind I will always be hoping for another chance with us and I’m kind of a sucker for fairy tales. I’m not betting on that chance, but right now, it’s a nice thought. I think if I had the chance to tell her one more thing it would be this;
“From time to time, I hope you remember to have grace for yourself. You really are as great as everyone says. Remember that people come and go, but that doesn’t mean you are easily forgotten or that you’re not important. It just means that they were too blind to see how wonderful you truly are. Remember your logic of wishing on falling leaves. That thought holds magic that you should never lose. You deserve to have someone tell you how beautiful and amazing you are everyday. I hope when you do think of me, it’s with a fondness. I would hate to be remembered badly. Lastly, please always remember that for a beautiful time we loved with a depth far beyond any distance.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about life. About how far I’ve come from where I’ve been. A lot of people used to think I wasn’t going to be successful, that I was going to become my mother. I won’t go into details since that is not what the focus of this rambling is about. What I can say is that success to me looks like, having a job, not one I particularly like, but a job nonetheless. I have a wonderful little dog that has my heart, she makes me laugh when I’m sad and hogs all the blankets at night. I have terrific friends. Amazing, wildly funny, loyal and above all…loving and kind. No, the focus of this is not how I was thought to be going nowhere and would end up fading into the mold that so many had fashioned for me. The focus is life and expectations, or rather my life and my expectations.
I have found I have a lot of resilience. I had a teacher tell me that once and she wouldn’t explain to me what the word meant. She said that if I looked it up, I would better remember its meaning…and she was right. I always remembered what it meant. I’ve failed continuously throughout my life, but I also resisted the path that seemed easiest to take. I would like to take time to thank those people for not believing in me. Not for thinking less of me, but for giving me the drive to get up after I fell. The drive to be better. I wanted more and my heart gravitated towards that goal. It pulled me into the lives of people that poured life into me. Telling me, I was strong, I was valued and that I was loved. Most importantly, they told me I was more.
I was continually told that my life could inspire people. “Look at the battles you have faced and overcame…don’t you think that is worth talking about?” That is what I was told. I was and still am hesitant that my story could change anyone, but I am told that my heart is in the right place and that is all that matters.
Looking back on a journal entry, I found this ending, “When I am older I want to look back on my life and say, I lived, I did things and made memories. When I failed, I failed hard but when I succeeded…I flew.” I haven’t always met the expectations I have set on myself, but I would like to think that I have done pretty well despite the beginning I was given. One expectation was that I travel the world. When I was younger, I thought it sounded reasonable to drive to Africa…after some growing up and geography lessons, I soon realized that driving was not an option but there were other ways of getting there. I haven’t been to Africa yet, but I have traveled to many parts of Asia and Honduras. It’s a good start so I haven’t been too hard on myself. Another expectation was that I move away from my small hometown. I did that and then I moved back, only to move away for the last time. It was hard and I struggled. I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. Eventually, it became easier and then all of the sudden…I was fine. Still struggling, but living. I remember looking around my first one bedroom apartment and thinking. I have finally made it. I failed, I succeeded and I flew. My last big expectation was to fall in love. To really fall…and I did. I fell in love with an amazing woman. We loved with a depth far beyond any distance measured. She is vivacious, intelligent, and extremely loving. My life is better for knowing her and from being loved by her.
I guess in the end, I believe life is about loving without boundaries and sometimes getting your heart broken. It’s about falling in love with whoever you want and being happy. It’s about memories you don’t remember until a song or a smell triggers that moment and you remember exactly where you were and how you felt. It’s about hoping for things that seem way beyond your horizon and then fighting to get there because it’s worth it for you. Your expectations for your life will, I believe, determine your happiness. To sum it all up, be patient, be hopeful, be understanding and be loving. Hold your expectations next to your dreams and never stop gravitating toward what pulls on your heart.
Sometimes the beauty of a moment falls from the back of my memory so unexpectedly that it steals my breath and awakens my soul, transporting me back to that day. The sounds of the city, the smell of the ocean and the feeling of your lips on mine. I reach up to touch the lingering pressure of the memory as it fades as quickly as it came and I am left to wonder…do I slip into your thoughts the way you always seem to move into mine.
I fell in love with her eyes and the way they looked deep into my soul. I fell in love with the way her hair fell over her forehead when she would lean forward to laugh. I fell in love for the way her heart broke for the world and how she would cry in silence for the heartache of strangers. Her compassion was staggering and her presence was magnetic. Her temper unbridled and broken all at once. Her touch was something from a dream..lingering as you woke. Time seemed to slow when she looked my direction. That smiled that dimmed the sun.
“The only thing
I knew is that
I was a second,
and she was eternity.
I spun in clocks and
she swirled in stars and
I did not deserve her”